It is 7 in the morning, had a look at numerous notifications…
Instagram Photo (check)
Facebook Post (check)
WhatsApp Status (check)
Wait! Is the person in any of the above, really that cool?
What is the cost of lies?
In our culture, there is a strong, almost ethical, pressure to be better (than people we know). An obligation to constantly show yourself above your surroundings.
We live in a time where many (young) people spend most of their lives on social media: we present ourselves to the world as to how we want to be seen.
And not as how we are.
Of course, the desire to make oneself look good is nothing new. However, thanks to technology, in this generation, we have more control over our appearance than ever.
We no longer relax to relax, but to recover so that we can be awesome tomorrow again. We no longer socialize to have fun, but to showcase how cool our lives are. While this causes a lot of stress, we’ve gotten pretty skilled at tricking people into believing we’re feeling good and got it all figured out.
And so everyone thinks that everyone is strong and confident and happy and has the best life ever.
Except no one has.
Charles Chu cites revealing psychological research:
“There’s clear evidence that [to impress people] the focus on money, fame, and image has gone up, and there’s also clear evidence that people who focus on money, fame, and image are more likely to be depressed and anxious.”
But, if you think about it, “focusing on fame and image” means that instead of setting our own standard, we let others define what we should care about. After all, these metrics depend solely on what other people think about us.
Hence we strive to mitigate judgment by others and hide every part of your identity that, if other people would know or see it, you fear would make them reject you.
Who decides?
We want to control the opinions of other people by controlling how we appear to them.
However, there is often a big difference between how we present ourselves and how we truly are.
You can’t eat with hands, can’t play with kids belong to specific caste or religion, can’t have a black boyfriend/girlfriend (even friends), because you fear what society will say, how people (who to be honest don’t even care for you) will see you.
So we constantly walk on our toes to keep up appearances, let our masks fall off.
And to avoid exposing our real selves to the judging eyes of our peers, we create a fake persona to take the blows for us.
Ironically, this quest to shield our true identities from the opinions of others is a fool’s errand.
First, you can’t do it.
People will find out and people will judge: protecting an image does not help to avoid the risk of rejection for who you are.
Second, you shouldn’t do it.
The quest to maintain a certain image is motivated by the need for approval.
We’re doing things because we believe those are the things we must do to impress others.
Fuck Society. I Repeat…Fuck Society!
Presenting yourself to the world as to how you are not to favorably influence what others think of you means you prioritize other people’s opinions about you over your own opinion of you.
When we do that, we tell ourselves to value ‘other people not rejecting us’ over ‘embodying our identities’.
An expensive bargain I believe.
What should we do?
To turn things around, we need to opt-out of the zero-sum game for social status.
The most important factor here is our way of relating to other people.
We conceptualize fellow persons as competitors to outperform and leave in awe of how fabulous our lives are. We must see them as similar human beings who are fighting their own battle instead.
Now, let’s ask the million-dollar question: what concrete change in behavior could help us in doing so?
I still have a lot to learn on this front, but I think one of life’s most important lessons is:
Live life to express, not impress
Impression builds a thrust. It distances you from those you talk to, those who care for you. Expression, on the other hand, builds a bridge.
You are awesome in your own way, everybody is. We should understand that it’s not the appearance that will make you good, but your own feelings will, your smartness, kindness, fearlessness, and intelligence will.
Spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself, and a little less time trying to impress others…
There is a dialogue in Chernobyl that sums up everything:
When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we can no longer remember it is even there. But it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid.
I’m asking you again! What is the cost of lies?
Everything!
